I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
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My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
synchronized noseblowing
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.