@OreoSpeedwagon_

I’m like a Ferrero Rocher in that I’m quite nutty and go down nicely with wine. I also come in family size.

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@laureneoneal

Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?

@firebrand3

They say “Fake It Until You Make It”

How can you fake a dinner?

@AthenaMystique

Apparently UFC is not Ultimate Fried Chicken and now I’m even hungrier watching huge greased up men touch each other inappropriately.

@Ideal_Victoria

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

@_steamy_mac

“The baby’s been crying all day, we should microwave some fish.” – my neighbours

@blade_funner

ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?

SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?

@MooseAllain

Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.