I’m like a Ferrero Rocher in that I’m quite nutty and go down nicely with wine. I also come in family size.

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Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?


They say “Fake It Until You Make It”

How can you fake a dinner?


Apparently UFC is not Ultimate Fried Chicken and now I’m even hungrier watching huge greased up men touch each other inappropriately.


If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.


“The baby’s been crying all day, we should microwave some fish.” – my neighbours


ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?

SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?


Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.