Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
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Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
huge if true: the moon
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Said the murderer.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Covid like
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
This rocks
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
me, too, girl. me, too.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet