Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
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lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.