Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
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*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
i spent way too long on this
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.