@DaddyJew

I’m like a mouse. If u give a mouse a cookie hes gonna want some milk. If u gimme a beer im gonna want some nachos. Plus we both like cheese

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@ch000ch

*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok

@potch

There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.

@BeeeejEsq

“Hm. Does this razor-edged boomerang spark joy?”
– Marie Kondo’s last words

@3sunzzz

[first day in prison]

“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”

@junejuly12

The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.

@PoshTick

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road

@copymama

Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.

@WheelTod

[Dark alley at midnight]

*Knife-wielding punk approaches

Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”

*Punk sneers & raises knife

*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend