I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
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The legends speak of a third Duran…
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.