I’m like a Rubik’s Cube. Seems fun at first but eventually you’ll want to rip me apart.

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There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…

They just pick up a shovel and started digging.


Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?


First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.

Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.

Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.


I swear to god dude, if you say “But what if we get arrested?” One more time you’re out of the group.


In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now


(Family Reunion)

Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?

Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.

Me: Any chance we can remove him again?


Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.


She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*


Him: Well, when life hands you lemons…

Narrator: Life only needed him to hold the lemons so it could punch him in the face.


You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.