never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
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“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
pls suprot
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
welp
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Godspeed, John Glenn
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.