@delusions_of

I’m like a Rubik’s Cube. Seems fun at first but eventually you’ll want to rip me apart.

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@Cyd10e

There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…

They just pick up a shovel and started digging.

@ericsshadow

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

@Mom_Overboard

First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.

Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.

Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.

@AristotlesNZ

I swear to god dude, if you say “But what if we get arrested?” One more time you’re out of the group.

@themorris23

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

@Shade510

(Family Reunion)

Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?

Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.

Me: Any chance we can remove him again?

@FadeAway2

Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.

@sad_tree

She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*

@4handfuls

Him: Well, when life hands you lemons…

Narrator: Life only needed him to hold the lemons so it could punch him in the face.

@perlapell

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.