@MarieLoerzel

I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.

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@daemonic3

This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour

@TEXASVETERAN

My boss: Why are you sleeping at your desk?!

Me: Because my bed is at home.

@itsBOMBARDIER

me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money

me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one

@fro_vo

[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please

@hunz74

“Are you smarter than a 5th grader?”

Me: “Sometimes?”

“Are you smarter than a 16 year old?”

Me: “Always.”

@Extranaut

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

@Jay_FrickinLynn

Me: Hi
Kid:
M: Still? It’s been a week
K: YOUR FIRST INSTINCT DURING A CAR ACCIDENT WAS TO PROTECT YOUR PHONE!
M: You didn’t die. Calm down.

@Dani21013

“Can I substitute my side salad for a bowl of gravy?”
-Me, at any drive thru