This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
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My boss: Why are you sleeping at your desk?!
Me: Because my bed is at home.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
“Are you smarter than a 5th grader?”
“Are you smarter than a 16 year old?”
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
M: Still? It’s been a week
K: YOUR FIRST INSTINCT DURING A CAR ACCIDENT WAS TO PROTECT YOUR PHONE!
M: You didn’t die. Calm down.
Literally my professional life
“Can I substitute my side salad for a bowl of gravy?”
-Me, at any drive thru