I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
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Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it