I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
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Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Creepy-crawlies
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Frankenstein?
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review