@thegreatnanak

I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.

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@TheWeirdWorld

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?

@TheToddWilliams

ALIEN: What is “January”?

ME: That’s a month… named after a god

ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god

ME: Actually, he was a Roman

ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman

ME: Actually, that named after a number

ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10

ME: Actually, 8

ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit

@bacon_gillepic

Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*

Receives check*

Dang I just got a raise

@TheToddWilliams

[Whole Foods]

ME: Where are all the donuts?

CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts

ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!

@TheDragoEffect

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.

@AndyAsAdjective

[watching The Avengers]

7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?

ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies

@PrestoVision

hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner

hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail

@ruinedpicnic

me:(nervously) so I gotta fight one of these things?
zookeeper: what? no
me: I choose…the polar bear
zookeeper: why would you choose that

@lazerdoov

If I had to be in the military I’d probably pick sleeper cell agent cause I get tired a lot