If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Dang I just got a raise
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
me:(nervously) so I gotta fight one of these things?
zookeeper: what? no
me: I choose…the polar bear
zookeeper: why would you choose that
If I had to be in the military I’d probably pick sleeper cell agent cause I get tired a lot