I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
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*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.