I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
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Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )