@ShockTartBionic

I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.

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@bobblegagger

**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.

Me:

Friend:

Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….

@GloriaFallon123

A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks

@dafloydsta

Why my coworker hates me:

He sends meeting invite for 2pm.

I propose new time of 2:03.

He revises, sends update.

I decline meeting.

@MittenDAmour

A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.

@mommajessiec

*seductively takes off winter coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.

@fro_vo

ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir

@LostFelicia

My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.

@TheBoydP

Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.

@broken_rhi

My friend just said “I hope you’re staying out of trouble,” and we laughed and laughed.

@PinkCamoTO

$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.

They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.