@ShockTartBionic

I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.

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@AndyAsAdjective

*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

@MsMosman

Blocked a someone with “Social Media Specialist | Online Reputation Manager” in their bio just to mess with their head. And it’s douchy.

@whereami18

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

@withanewname

Wife: “Bad day?”

Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”

Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”

@just1fool

I just watched one bird chase another bird from tree to tree for five minutes.

It was probably over a stolen tweet.

@causticbob

“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”

@Home_Halfway

Sewing: For when you want to stab something 1000 times, but don’t want to kill someone.

@juliussharpe

For $100,000 I will come into your organization and evaluate whether the other consultants you’re working with are idiots.

@Vodkantots

My psychologist and psychiatrist don’t agree on my diagnosis so yes, I get what it’s like to have people fighting over me.