When I was a kid. I used to come home drunk & beat my Dad.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
You Might Also Like
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Blocked a someone with “Social Media Specialist | Online Reputation Manager” in their bio just to mess with their head. And it’s douchy.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
I just watched one bird chase another bird from tree to tree for five minutes.
It was probably over a stolen tweet.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Sewing: For when you want to stab something 1000 times, but don’t want to kill someone.
For $100,000 I will come into your organization and evaluate whether the other consultants you’re working with are idiots.
My psychologist and psychiatrist don’t agree on my diagnosis so yes, I get what it’s like to have people fighting over me.