Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
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The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
In the waning days of 2016, anything can happen. Even mystery pants.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on
Babies crying everywhere
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY