I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
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Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Me if I was a dog
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.