@Gupton68

I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.

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@MyMomologue

Bedtime:

Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.

@TweetPotato314

me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach

wife: we have never discuss-

me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back

@sixfootcandy

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

@daplusk

[date]
Me: Have you ever had it so deep your toes curl?
Her: No, I’d love that
Me: [pulls out 15th century poetry book] get ready
Her: um

@ParisZarcilla

So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.

@DarkerWillow

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

@better_off_dad

If you really want to know how someone feels about you, try licking their face.

@causticbob

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.