I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
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Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”