“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
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Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.