I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
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Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Schrödinger’s cookie
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Well, that should do it
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening