Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
You Might Also Like
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?