I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
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My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun