A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
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Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
This could be us but you eatin’
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Bloody internet 😳
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please