Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
You Might Also Like
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..