I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
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someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!