i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
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Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool