i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
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“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.