@Donna_McCoy

I’m looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.

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@CalmTomb

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”

@fro_vo

ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW

@Darlainky

“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.

@AnOrangeSNES

[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*

@torrami

Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.

@fro_vo

Teacher: remember class, there are no stupid questions
Me: *raises hand*
Teacher: i just said, no stupid questions
Me: *lowers hand*

@nachosarah

I wish parents would watch their kids better because my basement is filling up

@ValeeGrrl

Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.

@crocodilethumbs

Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency

Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party

@crocodilethumbs

guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead

shawn: a shawnce

sean: I have a better idea