@Donna_McCoy

I’m looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.

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@lovemydogduck

I WAS LIKE
AND HE WAS LIKE
AND I WAS LIKE
AND SHE WAS LIKE
(The speech impediment of the 21st century)

@Gooooats

I keep trying to turn my hat around backwards so I can get down to business, but it’s a sombrero and I’m making zero progress.

@BeTheCookie

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

@mdob11

Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.

@david8hughes

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

@fro_vo

ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho

@fro_vo

imagine not being able to use your imagination.

wrong

@2tonbug

Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…

@badbanana

Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.

@notfaizzy

my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.