I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
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When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
happy mother’s day❤️
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.