I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
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WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Stick it to the man
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?