I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.

–me on house hunters

You Might Also Like


Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.


At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.


anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”


People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.


[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy


10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son …

[to be continued]


Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.


Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.


If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.