@RunOldMan

I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.

–me on house hunters

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@Bandersnaaatch

Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.

@a_simpl_man

At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.

@wholemik

anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”

@Jandalize

People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.

@Cpin42

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

@UnFitz

10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son …

[to be continued]

@Thunderhunk3000

Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.

@goldengateblond

Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.

@_davidlucas_

If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.