I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
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Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
This week’s mood.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
crochet youtube is brutal
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.