I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
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I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
There’s only one good girl here!
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.