@shipwrecksean

I’m looking for something with the health benefits of yoga but absolutely none of the yoga

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@AndLookPretty

Husband preps two bowls of ice cream. Hands me the one that appears slightly smaller in size.

Are you calling me fat?

@AmishPornStar1

BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!

We just died…

AND WE LIKED IT!!!

@sparticus_af

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

@suecorvette

That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….

@BackrowSeats

If you come across a stranger in a dark alley immediately hug him so he knows you’re not a threat.

@djdarrellripley

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

@OneFunnyMummy

The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.

@RunwayDan

Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.

@SouthernStylin1

9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!