A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
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Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Home #decor warning.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining