I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
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You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies