I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
You Might Also Like
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact