him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
You Might Also Like
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
i was baptized in a car wash
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
first you must answer his riddles