I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
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[best women in the world]
15. are the
13. in the
8. rank them
7. in order
6. of greatness
3. are all
1. my mum
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
“Dad, where do zebras come from?”
Well son, when a referee loves a horse very much
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
Ok a scotch “grande”