Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
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Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
🤣😈🤣
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.