@slimmy_shady

Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.

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@Marcmywords2

I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.

@KeetPotato

[best women in the world]
17. all
16. women
15. are the
14. best
13. in the
12. world
11. its
10. impossible
9. to
8. rank them
7. in order
6. of greatness
5. because
4. they
3. are all
2. equal
1. my mum

@dumbbeezie

If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.

@NicestHippo

“Dad, where do zebras come from?”
Well son, when a referee loves a horse very much

@Reverend_Scott

Mistakes married men make:

1. Doing things.

2. Not doing things.

3. Thinking about doing things.

4. Not thinking about doing things.

@sween

When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”

@xLiserx

Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!

@peteholmes

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

@Cheeseboy22

Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.

@offbeatoliv

Scotch neat please

Umm…this is a Starbucks

*sigh

Ok a scotch “grande”