I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
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Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
a fate I wish upon no one
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
If you want my opinion ask my wife
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic