I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
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Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.