I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.

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WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.


employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce


Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.


Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.


“You think I’m immature? Well, you know what! Our relationship is-”

*holds up imaginary walky-talky*



Oh. This is hand *Satanizer.* Well, is my face red with the blood of innocents.