@adrianmyreality

I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.

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@UncleDuke1969

WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.

@prufrockluvsong

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

@LostFelicia

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

@eff_yeah_steph

Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.

@IRLPepperMD

“You think I’m immature? Well, you know what! Our relationship is-”

*holds up imaginary walky-talky*

“Chhh-over.”

@lanyardtwerk

Oh. This is hand *Satanizer.* Well, is my face red with the blood of innocents.