“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
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[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
i can’t wait that long
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire