With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
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I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots