@ShaunRightNow

I’m married, yet the only person that willingly goes down on their knees in front of my crotch is a 72 year old suit tailor named Pablo.

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@SortaSarcastic

Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …

@anerdonfire2

If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.

@RealCarrotFacts

On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot

@mattZillaaaa

Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa

@treywafer

Dear police: if you’re going to racial profile, how about you check out the white boy dressed like he’s in the matrix

@say_shannon

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

@KeetPotato

[me giving a tour of pillow factory]
guy: “what do you fill the pillows with?”
me: [spotting a family of ducks in tour group] “just stuff”