I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
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You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
This will teach them to underestimate me
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.