I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
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[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
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My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Guantanamo Bae
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Fight
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?