I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
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Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Investing in beetcoin
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!