@ChaseMit

I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?

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@Freudianscript

My therapist told me that if ignorance is bliss, there’s no reason for me to be on antidepressants.

@haley_copeland

No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.

@moutheaters

Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies

@psybermonkey

Friend: Are you free this weekend?

Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse

@Reverend_Scott

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher

HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-

ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS

@bourgeoisalien

cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder

@noog

[meeting at amc network]

“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”

@MarkAgee

If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.

@ItsAndyRyan

Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this

Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog

@trentistweeting

“doctor, help! my son shattered one of his kneecaps!”
it’s ok, the human body can survive on one kid-knee