I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?

You Might Also Like


My therapist told me that if ignorance is bliss, there’s no reason for me to be on antidepressants.


No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.


Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies


Friend: Are you free this weekend?

Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse


[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher

HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-



cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder


[meeting at amc network]

“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”


If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.


Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this

Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog


“doctor, help! my son shattered one of his kneecaps!”
it’s ok, the human body can survive on one kid-knee