incredible book dedication
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Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system