I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
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Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.