@DadandBuried

I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.

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@captainkalvis

date: [walking out of the theater after seeing happy feet] that was so cute

me: [has a foot fetish] it was fine

@sucittaM

Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.

@LuvPug

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

@delusions_of

Been working out. Pretty sure I can beat up half the kids from “Stranger Things” now.

@InternetHippo

(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,

@Contwixt

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.