I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
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On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded