living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
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If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
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Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.