“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
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[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Rooting for the overdog
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that