He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
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Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet