I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
You Might Also Like
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?